chapter 33: and so on…

i awoke LATE on august 6th and returned to work.  i’d slept my previous nightmare away, and today would provide a fresh new batch of weakness.  i was tired, i was slow, and i was tender around my test site; but at least i was no longer on a 10 mile hike.  i couldn’t bend down very easily, and there were times when i had to get off my feet just to make it through my shift.  i was playing the part of a hustler, while inside i was more of a deadbeat.  but the character becomes you, and the show must go on.  still, on august 7th, i seemed to be getting more sore rather than less, and after days of sluggishness, i began to wonder if i’d done something really wrong.  i called UCLA on the 9th:

“hello, ma’am, i had a cerebral angiogram on wednesday, and i went back to work on thursday.  i just wanted to make sure that was okay.”

“yes, you had it on wednesday…and if you go back to work on thursday, that will be             good.  that will give you a week to rest.”

“no, i mean i went back to work LAST thursday–the next day.”

“you’re not supposed to do that!!!!”


in the days following, i had no energy, and the couch became my best friend.  each evening, i got back from work and planted myself like an oak, on my cushy, purple, three-cushioned pal.  it was GOOD to be home.  many nights, it felt so wonderful to sit on the couch, that i stayed up too late, unable to muster the discipline to make the transfer from couch to bed.  and of course, many times i combined the two, by closing my eyes and having sweet dreams sitting upright.

eventually, my cramped crotch improved.  but even 5 months after my hemorrhage, i was still lethargic.  as the weeks passed, it became increasingly clear that i couldn’t keep up with the demands of my job.  to make matters worse, there was a personal issue that was driving me down.  it was an uncontrolled–and uncontrollable–wildfire which i was constantly trying to put out, perpetually working to catch and contain before i was consumed by a blaze of madness.  i was giving it my all, but i was helpless alone.  consequently, added to my inadequacies in the face of physical demands, my emotional state was was the crumbling crust on a caved-in casserole.  i took a few days off and tried to right certain wrongs, but my best efforts were helpless against unmovable obstacles.  i couldn’t physically deal with the overwhelming demands of my job, the stress of my brain lesion, and the fight for an unattainable victory.  therefore–and sadly–in October, i had to let it go…

but i was also let go:  around the same time, my employer fired me.  well, officially, he transferred me to another position.  one that didn’t exist.

and so, my life changed.  again.  because that’s what lives do.

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